Unfinished love

After a long time we communicated. She dropped me a message in Sarahah and I responded. I knew she couldn't see my response so I sent her a screenshot of it on Facebook messenger. Since then we talk sometimes.

Today during our conversation she told me she is moving out of the city, rather she is relocating with a job. It shouldn't have made any difference to me but why did it feel like an arrow piercing into my chest? Why did it feel like a cloud of strange sadness overcasting my emotions within? Although I praised her for her decision, but somewhere probably I didn't want her to go, I am probably waiting for her to come back.

I have tried moving on but I have failed. I cannot think of anyone else when I think of a relationship or marriage or spending the life with someone. We have so many differences yet I still love her and my love for her is still unfinished.
__________________

So I found a random video which I sent her to strike a conversation with her again. My purpose to find out when she is moving out. After some mixed talk, I summoned the courage to ask her. No I am not scared of her, I am scared to being informed of the time she is moving out. I wished it wasn't too soon.

She told me earlier she was to put down her papers tomorrow, but today she said she changed her mind and she would do it after sometime since she was to get some arrears with her salary and once she does she would resign. She further added that if she serves the notice period, she would be shifting around first week of October and if not then second week of September. Both are equally bad for me because last week of September is my birthday and she won't be here and first week of October I will be away on a road trip and by the time I will be back, she would have left already so I won't be able to see her off.

I guess I just have to sit and wait.
__________________

Sometime back we were talking again, indirectly I asked her out by asking what time she returns these days if she goes out on offs, she started talking about the last timr she went out and that was with her first crush/love whatever. It doesn't matter to me who but it was making me feel uncomfortable for sure. She didn't understand I assume so she kept on talking about the dinner date I would say and kept on telling me how he hasn't changed a bit. Damn! Anyway, finally the topic changed and then she politely denied me. Makes me upset.
__________________

We spoke again this morning. She knew I always wanted to settle down at Goa so she forwarded me a catalogue she received over email today for flats selling at Goa. She told me she is much better than before now and she is glad whatever happened between us which helped her finding herself. I told her I'm not glad about the worse phases, I'm not happy that we are not together, told her  I can never think beyond her. She told me with time things will change to which I revolted as I know myself better. The conversation went on and she asked me to find happiness for myself. Asked her if she knew what my happiness but she told me she didn't as she saw so many phases of me throughout these years. She didn't know she was my happiness and that I had always chosen her over everyone else. What I realised is she now has a set of her own beliefs for which it is possible that we both are responsible however may not be true when it comes to reality. No matter what, I have always loved her and will keep doing so. She is happy now, and I would pray she always stays this way, doesn't matter if it's with me, without me or with someone else. Yes I will always have the pain of not having her until the end of my life, but I guess this is how it is now.
__________________

Today, Aug 27th I asked her out. She agreed. We met at the same place where we used to and we went to China Town. She wanted to have her favourite thing, soup. We had soup and a fish starter. Food was good but that didn't matter because I was more interested in my company. She kept talking about things going on with her as she used to always and I kept on listening. We then went ice-cream hunting and reached Salt Lake swimming pool area after checking some other areas as well. Finally I went to drop her home. I was extra careful today while riding the bike, didn't want her to feel uncomfortable. After she came today and while I dropped her home, I was not sure if I should give her a hug. My heart wanted to, but I didn't know if that would be right so I just stood there. The she finally left. While going she turned back once to see me and she knew she would find me looking at her. She waved me goodbye and walked.
__________________

Aug 28th, I asked her if she thinks whatever happened to us is the best that could happen? She said she doesn't know but many things happened which shouldn't have happened and she prefers to remember the old sweet memories than reliving them. Told her that in everyone's lives things happen which were not suppose to happen. She told me I shouldn't have any expectations from her and I told her she would never face any issues because of me. She told me she wants to be with me the way we are now. She wants me to be her strength and not her weakness, and somehow I recollected that many a times earlier she used to tell me I was her strength. Told her if she has moved on, I would never be her weakness again. But it is true I will never be able to unlove her or love anyone else. I will love her until the last moment I live, and I don't know why I am crying right now.
__________________

Sept 4th, she took me out for dinner. When asked about the occasion she said "us". It was primarily an ice cream treat but then she suggested we dine as well. We went to Khiddirpore at a restaurant called "The India" and ordered some amazing kebabs and biryani. After that we went to Icy Fusion for icecream and had our all time favourite fruit fusion. While returning, the plan was to drop her home first but due to some reasons we had to come home first and then drop her home. While returning we were being followed by some cars so had to ride comparatively fast without letting those drivers know and mostly she would hold on to me tight. I had goosebumps and felt like electricity flowing through me initially but later I almost had tears in my eyes. After er reached home, we had to go to my flat and get the keys, it's after a very long time we were together and alone and my heart was pounding. I quickly went, took my car keys and prepared to leave. She suggested I fresh up a little as I look tired as hell but I knew it we stayed, I would start imagining things which will only hurt me more. We quickly left and then went to drop her home. Today she suggested I drop her till her doorstep and not the bus stand as she won't get any transport from her bus stop where she used to get down the last two days to avoid issues at home. Near her home I asked if I should stop a little far away, she suggested I drop her where I used to always. Mixed feelings it was. Eventually she went inside and I stood there for sometime trying to farther myself before I could leave.
__________________