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The War Within

It's really devastating to be in a conflict, a conflict within yourself, a conflict between your mind and your heart, a conflict between hope and despair, a conflict where you don't know what's the right thing to do. You know deep down in your heart one day everything will be alright but you don't know what's that "alright"! Why this conflict?

It all starts with you giving your everything to someone and then suddenly find out that you are not good enough, not good enough to keep that one person happy who means everything to you, that one person for whom you can happily jump off a cliff but you don't know if anything at all you do will make that person happy. And do you want to see the person sad? Definitely not because you see you consider that person your world and you don't want your world to be sad. So what to do? Try or let go?

It pains to realise your efforts are not even close to enough. You fail to understand if your efforts are even acknowledged.

You don't know if you should run back to that person and cry your heart out or if you should stay strong and hide all your pain. You see, it becomes pretty difficult when the same person is the both your pain and your drug/painkiller, you don't know which one is stronger, the cause or the remedy?

It's like walking on the edge with eyes closed. You try to balance yourself and not fall but again you don't know if you fall whether you will fall on the floor or you will fall storeys down? If you fall on the floor you don't know if you will hit the floor or some object that could injure you more? You don't know if that one person would be there to catch you or not if you fall? You don't know if you fall off storeys, whether you will have a peaceful death or a disabled life?

Someone once quoted "Unless it's mad, passionate and extraordinary love, it is waste of my time". Somehow it feels in search of this maddening and extraordinary love, we often oversee genuine love which itself is so rare these days, because we expect it to be more and more no matter how much we already have. After all, everything which is extraordinary today will become ordinary tomorrow, everything which is maddening today, will become usual tomorrow. Love isn't a product we sell to the consumers that you need to keep improvising and innovating! Or is it?

Nobody is perfect, everyone has flaws which is why there will always be both contentment and disappointments, but are those disappointments worth leaving behind someone we truly love? Someone we call our home? I thought no matter how big or small, pretty or ugly, we never abandon our home! I thought if something in our home doesn't work the way it should we fix it rather than moving out! Is your home so worthless and so broken that you can't fix it?

Once I read somewhere, someone else can't give happiness to you or me, they can only do their part by being genuine, true, responsible, respectful, loyal and caring. We have to find our ways of being happy. Maybe it's true, maybe it's not. Maybe I'm really not enough - maybe I really cannot give happiness to that one person or is it that the one person can't find happiness in me?

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